Robert Kortenhaus was hoping I could get to
the bottom of his problem.
“I do not own boxer shorts and have never
worn boxer shorts in my entire life,” the 75-year-old condominium
resident complained.
Kortenhaus was telling me about what he
calls “The Boxer Short Episode,” a bit of condominium enforcement that
has placed a “notification of violation” letter in his file.
Kortenhaus lives at Southporte in
Jonathan’s Landing, a 13-story condominium in Jupiter.
“For over six years while living there, I
have been the individual who goes to the lobby at approximately 5:30 to 6
a.m., sorts the newspapers for the entire building, and then delivers some
papers to three floor locations up to my unit,” he said.
Somebody took issue with his attire when he
makes his early morning newspaper deliveries.
“It’s just a regular bathing suit,”
Kortenhaus said. “You get out of bed, you brush your teeth, you put on a
T-shirt and bathing suit and distribute the newspapers. Everybody’s got
two or three bathing suits.”
But the violation letter cites Kortenhaus
for underwear, not a bathing suit.
“When leaving your condominium, please
wear proper attire,” the letter says. “Wearing just boxer shorts in
any of Southporte One’s Condominium Association Common Elements except
you (sic) unit is not exceptable (sic),” the letter says. “This is
offensive and interferes with the rights, comforts and convenience of the
other unit owners.”
Comfort and convenience of other unit
owners? Kortenhaus is taking it upon himself to spare them a trip to the
lobby to deliver the newspapers to their doorsteps.
“Maybe your bathing suit looks like boxer
shorts,” I said.
“The ironic part of this situation is
that, sometimes I wear the same T-shirt and bathing suit to the swimming
pool area and there has never been any complaints about what I was
wearing,” he said. “Many of the women in the building wear bathing
suits and shorts that are too small to properly cover ‘you know what’
and the women’s attire is never complained about.”
Don’t go there, Robert. Even if you win
with that defense, you lose.
And hardly anybody’s even in the hallways
when he delivers the papers, Kortenhaus said.
“The facts are that there was only one
occasion when another person was in the lobby area at 5:30 to 6 a.m. who
saw me sorting the papers — he being an older man with poor eyesight,”
Kortenhaus said.
Kortenhaus has asked for a hearing on the
matter, but says the condo’s board of directors won’t entertain an
appeal. So he’s weighing his other options.
Plan “A” was to seek arbitration with
the Division of Florida Condominiums. But he figured that might be a big
waste of time and effort.
Which led him to Plan “B,” which was
contacting me.
“I was wondering if a reverse psychology,
humorous article written by you would be enough to move or embarrass them
into changing their position on this matter,” he said.
“I doubt it,” I told Kortenhaus.
I advised him to go to his Plan “C”:
Delivering the newspapers in a slingshot-style Speedo bathing suit.
“If they are of the belief that a normal
bathing suit is offensive, wait until they see me in a Speedo!” he said.
Now, you’re talking, Robert.
As for a color, I’d go with the nuclear
option right from the start: banana yellow.