News item:
An 85-year-old suburban Boynton Beach driver cut off another vehicle,
then pulled a handgun on the other motorist after exchanging hand
gestures, police said. The 85-year-old man was arrested for his armed
road rage display.
Dear fellow condo residents:
We here on the board have become aware that many
of you may be carrying concealed firearms, which is a grave concern not
only to our unarmed gate guards but also to some of your neighbors, who
fear they might be putting their lives in jeopardy by engaging in the
sort of cherished verbal put-downs that have long been a staple of
conversation here in paradise.
So with that in mind, we have decided to institute
a program at the condo that we call EGADS — Expect Gramps is Armed,
Dangerous and Surly. We hope that once EGADS is fully implemented, a new
vigilant form of civility will in be in effect and lives will be saved.
This memo will address some problematic social
situations that may require an EGADS response on your part.
Situation No. 1:
You win a hard-fought game of canasta.
Traditional response: You stand up
triumphantly and celebrate your victory with a little dance around the
table, ending it by sticking your tongue out at your opponent and
saying, “Take that, you old buzzard!”
EGADS response: You nod your head
solemnly, and don’t make any moves to shuffle the deck until you
announce in a very loud voice aimed at your partner’s good ear: “I -
am - reaching - for - the - cards.”
Proceed by extending your hands toward the middle
of the table, palms up.
Should your opponent make a sudden move toward his
waistband, prepare to stop, drop and roll.
Situation No. 2:
Your neighbor has parked his car so carelessly,
that half of the car overlaps your assigned parking spot, leaving it too
narrow for you to park there safely.
Traditional response No. 1: You squeeze
your car into your assigned spot anyway, making sure to open your driver
door with sufficient force to leave a ding in the door of his car.
Traditional response No. 2: You park in a
guest spot, but leave a note under his windshield wiper that says,
“Get your eyes checked, or stop driving!”
EGADS response: You park in a guest spot
and put an NRA sticker on your car to avoid getting in trouble for not
using your assigned spot.
Situation No. 3:
Your neighbor’s teenage grandchildren are
staying at his unit well beyond the two-week limit allowed by the condo
rules.
Traditional response: Report the
violation, and if he confronts you about it, say, “Yeah, that was me
who complained. We all have to follow the rules around here. What makes
you think you’re so special?”
EGADS response No. 1: Report the
violation, but only after you have packed your bags and made plans to
spend the next couple of months in hiding at your sister’s condo in
Sarasota.
EGADS response No. 2: Persuade another
neighbor to report the violation while you go out of your way to be nice
to the visiting teenagers, which may include saying, “What’s up,
dawg?” while they are skateboarding on the wheelchair ramps.
Situation No. 4:
Your outing on the golf course is being ruined by
a foursome in front of you that is playing way too slow. You’ve
already asked them if your group could play through, and they said,
“No.”
So you tee off when they’re still lollygagging
on the fairway. One of the golfers walks back angrily toward you.
Traditional response: Hold your driver
firmly. Walk toward him as you say, “C’mon, I missed you by a good
20 feet. If you’re so concerned, why don’t you let us play
through?”
EGADS response: As he approaches, run to
the nearest sand bunker, dialing 911 as you go. You can have yourself
completely covered in sand if he walks as slowly as he plays.
Situation No. 5:
For the umpteenth time, your neighbor hits you in
the shins with his motorized scooter as he rolls onto the elevator.
Traditional response: Tell him, “I’ll
see you in court!”
EGADS response: Smile through the pain,
then make plans to get yourself a scooter for safe and injury-free
elevator travel in the future.